to be weak is to admit defeat

thursday morning

4/22/2010

9:47pm

current weight: 111.8

i gained 1/10 of a pound [haha]

alright, so i didn't quite make my one month mark SO WHAT?

do i give up?

psh.

no.

i keep going because that's what winners do.

---

is it normal to overly obsess over every single item that enters your mouth? is it unusual to survey all food products within seconds and immediately feel guilty beyond redemption over consuming something as simple as a piece of bread?

hi, my name is lisa and i have a minor eating disorder.

i predict the people reading this post may find me overly dramatic for stating such a nonsensical claim but i'm dead serious.  food isn't just a form of nourishment to me; it is what drives my very being yet on the other hand, it physically torments me causing me emotional distress. some may think i'm overreacting but it's a mental state of pain most women in america can easily relate to.

i wasn't always the size that i am right now. i used to be morbidly overweight by asian standards.  what exactly does that mean? it means i was leaning heavily towards double digits and that's practically unheard of in the asian culture, especially the chinese.

don't believe me?

yep, that's me. to the right. oh god, i know.

that's my best friend loann, and yeah, she's pretty hot and i was, pretty not.

all my girlfriends at the time were size 2's [like the one below] while i was pushing 9/10

and this wasn't even at my heaviest

138 [gasp!] was my all-time biggest, that's when i knew something needed to change.

---

you know what's really funny?

i was always pretty tiny and then one day, i just blew up. 

me [second to the right] at 16

me [far left] in my junior year in high school

me [bottom far left] + my hs girlfriends

so what the hell happened to spark this horrific 38 pound weight gain?

i'll tell you what happened:

i got a highschool boyfriend

stopped smoking

began eating

mon - fri

mcdonalds savory bacon, egg + cheese biscuit 

fried + crispy hash browns loaded with sweet ketchup 

carb-loaded heavy starches for dinner

every single night

i stopped hanging out with friends

i hung out with the bf constantly

i ate what he ate

bowl for bowl

pound for pound

i went from a size 0/2 to 7/8 in a matter of a year

38 pounds

i was a f*ckin cow

my wavering self esteem hit rock bottom

i felt disgusted with myself

my image

everything for me was tainted

i stood amidst my size 0 friends

laughing + pretending everything was fine

when deep down inside

the jealousy ate through me

i hated myself

then one day

i woke up and i decided

enough was enough

i'm going to lose this fat i never had

at age 23

i began the south beach diet

i was undeviatingly motivated

i gave up everything i lived for

fulfilling white rice

starchy pasta

all types of bread

fatty cuts of meat

sugar

fruits

everything

my 3 meals a day consisted of bland nothing

boiled

grilled

steamed

blanched

lean protein + various veggies sans oil + salt

one week passed, then 2

the weight magically dissipated

the jeans that once fit could easily be pulled off without loosening any buttons

15 pounds lost in 1 month

size 29

size 28

size 27

all without the mention of working out or one foot stepping into the gym

i was exhilarated

i could finally blend in with my friends

i was no longer the "fat" girl

because of my instantaneous success

instant gratification was never far from my mind 

so i indulged

1 year later, the fat crept back

i became afraid

very afraid

so i made another life changing decision

i began working out

working out has changed my life

i've been for the past 1.5 years and it makes me happier than anything else in the world

but there are days when i feel like giving up

there are times when i just want to stop

but i keep going

never do i miss the gym

i make it my priority

it keeps me sane

but no matter how hard i try

i can never get back to where i was

am i dying to be 100 pounds again?

not really

i just want to be feel content

but the feeling is still out of reach so i keep going

there's nothing wrong with aiming for perfection but when will it ever end?

it's a vicious cycle that we immerse ourselves in

but we can change it

but we don't

"french women don't get fat" by mirielle guiliano 

is changing my life

why refrain from eating what i love?

isn't life about enjoying every moment and savoring every bite?

what's wrong with america?

where the average size woman is 14

where the plates are bigger than texas

and everything can be super sized

no wonder we are morbidly obese

there is no one to blame but ourselves

america

put down that fork

stop ordering from the drive thru menu

cook, goddamnit

haven't our ancestors taught us nothing?

fill your plates with fresh produce

from every color ranging from purple to green, to yellow and red

stop with the processed foods

the ho-hos and the packaged chips

mindless eating leads to idiotic choices

keep that up and you are what you eat

my sudden life changing decisions has impacted my world tremendously

not to mention, my wardrobe

suddenly i was able to wear what i wanted

and not feel like a foolish fat cow

and the weight continued to drop

size 27

size 26

size 25 [on a good day]

i couldn't believe it myself

vegas 

march 2009

vegas

march 2009

circa

april 2009

vessel

june 09

bubble lounge

july 09

vegas

sept 09

my birthday

medjools

nov 09

 but even with the minor successes

i'm still dissatisfied

i still can't bring myself to eat what i want

food is good

yet it is evil

how can this be?

one must find a fine balance 

and i will make it my mission to be at peace 

once again